10 Guides to Grieving
Being a warrior
in the face of death
1. You can get through this. You have an intuition for what you need now. It can be confusing, like you need to be alone but you need people and not to be alone. Let yourself feel lost or confused and still tell people what you want or need when you feel it.
2. Grief is a wake up call. Pay attention to it. Give it energy or it will take yours. I call it Shock and Awe. You may feel numb and at the same time catapulted into another dimension and everything feels surreal. Let it all be.
3. It will feel like the love you gave them is gone. It is not, nor the love they had for you. It’s all still there. Try to feel it and let it be real.
Talk to them and listen for responses. Write them letters and write back from them. Keep a dialogue going until you are done.
4. Give yourself permission to be alive while they are not. Do that on a daily basis. In the beginning just make a decision in the morning to accept or do this day, even though they are not alive or with you the way they were. You are alive. Practice accepting that.
5. Tell people when something isn’t working for you – like a conversation or a plan. “This isn’t helping me right now” or “I can’t do this right now” or “I’ve got to go.”
6. Give yourself permission for all your feelings. Cry when ever or where ever you need to. Don’t apologize for your tears. They are part of your way through this process. Anger is a part of grieving. Let yourself feel it if it comes up. Tell people about your anger or write about it. Give yourself permission to have it and know that it is part of your grief.
7. You will be obsessed with them and what happened for some time. Let yourself think and/or talk about them as much as you need to. Death is a mystery, but you will probably try to figure it out for some time.
8. Use your creative imagination to picture them in “their heaven”. Don’t imagine them suffering in any way. They are fine and imagine where they would want to be. Try to enjoy your images of them.
9. If you have any regrets or shame about the relationship or how they left, talk and/or write about them Everything is forgivable in time. Give yourself permission to have the regrets and then to consider forgiving yourself and them. Eventually you might be able to forgive everything.
10. Look for gratitude in the day, in the simple things – a good meal or a sunset of a plant or a child or a friend or a comfortable moment. Be in Nature as much as possible, even though you may not want to go out.
Notice who and what is still in your life. You might not know who you will be without them. That is part of permission to be alive when they are not. Your sense of self will change – let it.
An extra idea - Get a blank book and put your story in it, especially your feelings about them and your relationship.
"Dr. Powers offers hope and healing, a way in and a way out. She takes the reader by the hand and leads them through their own darkness and back into the light."
- Tian Dayton, Ph.D.
Director, New York Psychodrama Training Institute and
author of Emotional Sobriety
The Journey to Acceptance and Beyond
by Susan Powers, Ph.D.
"Grief is a wake-up call."